If you’ve ever been in a long-term or serious relationship, the topic of money or finances has likely made its way into conversation. While talking to your spouse about money may be uncomfortable, it is crucial to the success of your relationship and your financial goals.
In fact, according to a 2017 study conducted by Ramsey Solutions with 1,000 US adults, money problems are the #2 cause of divorce (right behind infidelity) (1)
While I am not a psychologist or marriage counselor, I have had many conversations with my partner about money. Below are some practical and tactical tips on how to talk to your spouse about money.
Hiding your level of debt or retail therapy habit may be tempting, but know that secrets always come out. Whether you get caught in a lie now, or the truth wiggles its way out in the future, being upfront and truthful will get you off to the right start. If you and your spouse have never had the money talk, try literally putting it all on the table. Each of you write down your financial situation on separate pieces of paper. Note your income, debt levels, and even toss in some short- and long-term financial goals. Once you’re both done writing, trade papers and read through your partners situation. While this may cause sticker shock for some, this method allows for both of you to approach the situation with complete and unbiased truth. To aid in your conversation, click on the link below to access my FREE Couples Financial Worksheet. This is a great way to get the conversation started.
If you live together, budgeting and planning together for the household is a great way to uncover each other’s spending habits and money expectations. I’ve personally done this exercise and its very eye opening to see how your partner views the household expenses. Often, one partner has a very different expectation for how much it costs to run the home vs. the other. The budgeting process will also help you understand where your spouse’s priorities lie. If he/she wants to allocate $500 a month to shopping and dining out, but you’re both swimming in debt, you may want to have a conversation to make sure you’re on the same page about your goals.
We all make mistakes; it’s unavoidable. Own up to those mistakes. It’s likely your partner has made similar mistakes in the past as well. Admitting these faults might make you feel more vulnerable. However, this feeling is not necessarily a bad thing. Without getting too deep (as mentioned earlier I’m not a psychologist), vulnerability is key to a lasting relationship. (2) Conversely, tap into your own empathy when your partner expresses his/her mistakes. Money is a very sensitive topic for some, particularly if that person is not in a good situation. Try to be understanding of any mistakes your partner has made and avoid judgmental comments
To some, money is everything. To others, money is just a tool to keep a roof over their heads. Talking about not just how you view money in general, but what role it plays in your life is important. How a person views money says a lot about how he/she will spend, save, and invest. Having opposing views may create conflict in the future so it’s crucial to understand these differences now. Additionally, this is also a good time to discuss how you want to handle money currently and in the future. For example, my parents are very traditional so throughout their 35-year marriage they have functioned exclusively through joint back accounts. I have a friend who knows her husband is bad with money so she insists on separate accounts. If you’re not yet married or on the brink of getting serious, I recommend you have this discussion. Someone’s childhood, current financial situation, or past experiences may influence how they view money. Pay attention to how he/she talks about money and you can uncover a lot.
Imagine the path to your money goals to be a river and you and your partner are in a boat rowing. You’ll get from point A to point B faster if you’re both rowing in sync and in the same direction. If either of you attempt to veer off in opposite directions, the boat will stall and reaching the end point will take a lot longer. Creating financial goals together will allow you both to “row” towards the same point, making the journey a lot easier. Just recently I was talking to my partner about how much we want to have saved for retirement, and how much we would need to contribute to our investment accounts to achieve that goal.
Money management is fluid. Income, expenses, investments, and goals are all ever changing. Make a date night out of money talks. Schedule time every month to check in with how you’re progressing towards managing your expenses, paying down debt, or growing your investment account. The more you have these conversations, the easier it will become to talk about bigger or more complex money topics later down the road. Having regular conversations will also help you feel more in sync with each other.
Hiring a financial planner to help outline your situation is always an option. Financial planners are not just for the ultra-wealthy. A good financial planner will evaluate your money situation and provide recommendations on how to move forward based on your goals. Hiring a planner may be helpful as he/she can provide an objective opinion on your situation. If you and your spouse are butting heads or maybe either one of you isn’t financially strong, a financial planner could be a good option for you.
Money talks can be uncomfortable but they can also be incredibly enlightening and could in fact bring couples closer together if done correctly. In general, it’s important for couples to get on the same page about money and money goals if they want to avoid financial friction in the future.
Sources:
(1) Money Ruining Marriages in America. February 2018 https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/newsroom/releases/money-ruining-marriages-in-america
(2) How Embracing Vulnerability Strengthens Our Relationships. Psych Alive. Lisa Firestone. https://www.psychalive.org/embracing-vulnerability-strengthens-connections/